Stuff!

Back From The Dead!!!!

You thought I haven't updated this because I died.

Haha, joke's on you!

A lot of things have happened. I broke up with Sam, I now date Izzy. I love her.

Going to LA soon. Schools almost over and all my summer plans have come together.

It's good to be back!

3rd Year!!!

Today is my 3rd year in comedy.

Thank you.

My Hero Returns From The Grave Sept. 4th!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On September 4th, 2008, Mitch Hedberg is coming out with a new CD. Well, he's not, Comedy Central is.

40-45 minutes of new and unreleased material never before heard. I knew he had material i've haven't heard and I can't wait.

Well, how have you been?

From An Asylum (Short Story)!!!!!!!

From An Asylum

Rain. It’s one of those mornings.

I get up, look out the windows of this place I’ve learned to call home. These padded walls in which protect me from myself. I don’t know why, though. This place I was sent to “get better” in a sense, doesn’t make sense at all, to me at least. I know a lot, and maybe, what I don’t know is why I’m here.

Maybe I don’t need to be out there. The world of gray and cold. Monotone colors fill the land, with dread. I try to picture what Van Gogh saw from his window during his visit to one of these places, but I can’t. Maybe I should just be patient like the old man in Hemingway’s novel.
So depressing is this place. I don’t even know this place. It doesn’t look familiar. Not the inside, but I don’t know the exterior.

The water spirals in the river that now separates me from my old life. The life of what I thought to be good. Not since I’ve been here, did I begin to question everything. What I think, why I’m here, the things I used to believe.

My old life was so simple. Go to school, 9am everyday. I usually walked to school. Over the bridge, taking the second exit. After school, take the train back home, make dinner than sleep. Occasionally church. Only my mother and I, after my father left. Before I ended up here, I started quoting people much more. I felt that I could no longer conjure my own thoughts. I feel that people listen to famous people more than they do normal people.
I wonder if my mother thinks of me. I wonder if she even knows where I am. She must be concerned. I would be anyways. If my son was in an institution, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I would be concerned.

The thing I’m most concerned for here though, is my soul. I don’t pray here, in fear of the men in white thinking I’m talking to myself and thinking I’m even less of a sensible person, and the reason I’m here becomes much more evident, to them.

I occasionally have a chess game with one of the other inmates, a term I hate very much, and he is a quite a good opponent. Always seems to get me in the same amount of moves. 52.

I haven’t lived long in this situation if not any situation. The thing is though, it’s just another situation, would it be different if I were in a waiting room at a doctor’s office? I feel like it wouldn’t. In a place such as this, you begin to think more. Maybe that’s what the padding’s for.
The last thing I did before I came to this odd, dismal place, was finish Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas and then take a walk across the bridge. It was raining, just as it is now, hard and miserable. I got to the highest point on the bridge on the walkway, and looked over the edge. I looked down into the river that now makes me think of the past more than ever, and I looked and saw black, dirty water. Just to think of it now makes me shiver. It was more violent than I had ever seen, it was raining harder than I had ever seen. The water than seemed to get closer. As if rising from the over flow of the rain. Closer and closer, totally engulfing my vision, just black and cold. Then I woke up here.
April 7, 2008, 1:49 AM

April Fool's Day!!!!

Though I am a comedian, I barely celebrate this ridiculous holiday.
I actually celebrate it more on other day's just to confuse people.
I recently got a girlfriend, he name is Samantha. Amazingly, she's shorter than I am, so it really works. She's only about 5'1. And, i'm about 5'2 or 5'3 in my boots, so i'm occasionally taller than her. I was amazed how quickly she decided to come over. Our month 3rd week anniversary, (hilarious again), is Friday.

Well, sorry I haven't updated, been busy.

Take care.

Courageous In The Face Of Evil!!!!

Don't be prejudice everybody! When I walk down the street at night, I am very aware of everyone around me, and very frightful. (I'm a wimp) I am precarious of every race, every size, everyone. It doesn't matter what you look like, i'm afraid of you. And you try so hard not to be prejudice when you watch these people walking around and past you, but the fact they copped to what people might think of them for any reason, angers me to were I can't look at anyone without thinking in stereotypes. I am not a racist, nor will I ever be, but come on people.
Though this story tested my very faith in human beings, don't let this affect your opinion. (True story below)



It was 8:30pm or so on this beautiful St. Patrick's Day when I started make my way home from a friend of mines. She had given me a cane to bring to school for tomorrow in which one of her characters has a cane and a limp.
As soon as I left, for some strange reason, I had this urge to become this character. I soon found myself limping with this newly found cane and having my right leg be the weak one. She lives right off Broadway, and I live 4 stops away on the train. She lives on 19th St or something and so I walked to 21st for a bus. Having too much fun and with the combination of impatience, began walking down this long and rough road. It has since to be repaired for a stretch of way.
Making my way down this busy desolate road, in which only the corners of the avenues are busy, I was still enjoying the fact I hadn't yet strayed from this character I had created for myself.
I had made my way to 31rd when I noticed someone leaving the Boys and Girls Club. About 5'6 or 7, maybe a little older than me. He was wearing an dark leather jacket, baggy jeans, and a baseball cap backwards and to the right a little. Walking in front of him, I was still looking for a bus to grab if anything, so I kept turning around and facing him, but in actuality, I was looking past him for a bus.
Another block down, someone turned the corner limping as well, without a cane. I felt like a complete asshole just acting as if I were limping because of a real reason. He was wearing jeans, umm I can't quite remember which way his hat was facing but it was grey, and a grey jacket. Again, possibly my age.
Assuming the two people I just encountered did not know each other, I naturally moved to the right for the grey wearing guy through. He did not pass. After about 2 long blocks, I came to 30th Ave. An avenue that several blocks up, holds a train station.

I had just begun to cross to the other side, reminding you of how excited I was to commit to this character so extensively, when I noticed someone very close to my back. The guy in the grey jacket had come up behind me and put his arm around me. Thinking still it was your friendly neighborhood bum, I tried to brush him off.
I took off my headphones to hear this guy or kid, say, "Can you turn this corner with me buddy?" I said, "Sorry man, I can't." And tried to get under his arm. When I dipped my head from under his arm, with a quick move, he pulled his arm around my head and put me in a headlock.

I had just then realized that this was no drunk, but a kid, and I was in a load of shit. Standing several feet from the corner, in which 4 people stood, and 5 feet from the bus stop, in which held 2 more people, I was against a fence. The kid in the leather jacket was an accomplice and stood at the corner, a good ten feet away, keeping a close watch.
Still in a headlock, the kid asks me, in a calm manner as to not attract the near by people, "What are you listening too?" I answered, thinking it would drive them away, "My CD Player." He said, "Fine, give me your CD player." I screamed back, "Let me get it! I can't reach with your arm around my head!" 1st mistake.
Now against the fence, with this taller kid in front of me, the guard and the oblivious bystanders, I answered, "What do you want?" He responded, "What ever your listening to?" I unplugged my headphones from my Ipod in my pocket and handed him the extension and end of my headphones. Still in the face of evil and fear, I was still a smartass.
He asked again, starting to get aggravated, "What are you listening to then?!" I responded, slowly trying to talk or think of my way out of this terrible and 1st time situation, "Nothing."
"You better give it to me?" "Or what?" "I'll punch you in the face!"
I then began, in an attempt to kill more time, search my pockets, pulling an almost out of nowhere white chocolate Hershey bar. I tried to hand it to him saying that that was the only thing I had. Finally and angrily, he turned to his guard and the guard said, "Just do it already!"
He stuck his hand into the pocket in which my jokebook, a pen, my Ipod, and Hershey bar were located. Thinking to myself that I had just lost my Ipod, I grabbed his hand and threw it out of my pocket. Surprised by this sudden boost of confidence and rebellion against his power that he tried so hard to maintain and show through violence and threats, was lowered down to nothing. He, out of either surprise or "Can you believe this fool?", reacted to this by turning back to his friend and watchman. In this very instant of milliseconds, I made my decision on what to do next. I ran.
I ran like i've never run before. I bolted down the empty streets, turning back every few feet as to not get to comfortable. I got two full blocks ahead when I saw them beginning to run towards me. I ran and ran, deciding whether or not I should turn onto another abandon street or make my way to Astoria Blvd, which is a very busy avenue indeed. I got there, about 3 or 4 blocks later, and turned up it, making my way across the busy intersection without trouble and began to slow down when I hit the sidewalk, still turning around checking the very corner I just crossed, making sure they weren't still following me. They didn't.
I got on the train at Astoria Blvd, only one stop from my house, and sat and breathed in a sigh of relief. Relief, for there were people around me. Sensible and safe people.

After having a few hours to think about it, the reason I was chosen for this attempted robbery, was the fact I was small, and clearly weak. They never saw me out of this character I created, the limping kid who was also very short. They chose me because they didn't think I had enough brawn to defeat them, but I did have the brains.
I realized that because they saw me with a limp, they figured I couldn't run away if I tried. And they were wrong. They assumed I was weak, and I assumed they were just people. We were both wrong.

"Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize them."
Edward Burrows

You Should Totally Get One!!!

I recently got a girlfriend. (Your the best babe.) So, I thought it would be funny if I came up with these terrible and stupid lines from movies.
Here’s some example:
"When I was lost in the rain, you were my umbrella." (Worst one)

or
"You found me in the debris of my broken heart." (This one I can actually use. LOL)

or
"You solved my problem of (hate=X, love=U.)" (I don’t know if this makes sense, but I think it’s hilarious.)

(You will not guess how long it took for me to actually come up with these. Also, I don’t mean any insult to anybody, these are just weird thoughts that aren’t fact but hilarious.)

Two Poems I Wrote!!!!!!

The 1st is called Blind:

I wish I could see.
The way the blind do.
No color, no race.
(No discriminating tastes)
To sit amongst the deaf and dumb,
To see and hear the world in it's simplest tone.
As innocent as the young.
So loving as a home.

For sight is an honor.
For hearing is a privilage.
To have both is murder
of peace and prosperity.

Here's the second. It's called Media Star. It's about Anna Nicole Smith

You are hung from string.
Dangled in the ring.
Everyone watches you fall.

Hit the ground with a thud.
Face down in the mud.
You have no friends to call.

The countdown begins
as the crowd sees your sins.
The story unfolds.

10, 9, 8.
You have sealed your fate.
Soul, auctioned and sold.

7, 6, 5.
Time goes by.
Your end is not far.

4, 3, 2, 1
The fire is done.
On the Media Star.

Not done yet.
The stage is set.
For another headline.

Eternally asleep.
Very deep.
Infamous in time.

Women!

They are so confusing.

My Friend's Are Hilarious!

He Was A Friend Of MIne!

My friend, just lost a friend of her's to a drug overdose. She truly loved him and anyone who's a friend of my friends, is a friend of mine. I'm going to visit her tom. I'm not a religious man, but keep your prayers for her and his soul.

Thanks, Billy

It Was Only A Dream...!!!!!!!

So, I recently found another journal that I wrote in 4th grade. And, I never wrote down the assignment, I only wrote my answer. So, my answers were only a sentence or two long, so here are a few. (These were written in 01-02, it passes right by Spet. 11th as if nothing happened.)

1/16/02
(When I first got my glasses)
I would want new eyes so I don't need glasses. I don't like my glasses.

12/11/01
(When did you sin, I think because I went to a catholic skool)
I was wrong when I told my cat I hated him.

12/12/01
(Where would you live, I think)
I would choose to live in Las Vegas so I can gamble.

11/02/01
(No clue)
I wake up.

9/10/01
(I'm guessing a dream, i'm describing)
One day I woke up and discovered that my bed was on the ceiling. I ran downstairs and found that everyroom was upside down. So the whole day I had to stand on the ceiling watching TV.

Coming Into Los Angeles!!!!!!!

My career has taken a magnificent step forward. Television or a tour. Either one would be great and hopefully, some money.

I'll be flying out of JFK on the 20th, missing a day of skool and I don't mind that at all. I was informed my newspaper article was cut in half but this announcement blocks it all out.
I'll be staying with my friends, Lance, Mat, and Neil in there apartment and then i'll be flying back on a red eye on the 23rd, another day missed as I arrive at 6:45am on the 24th.

I'll be performing at the Hollywood Improv on the 22nd, the Kids Of Comedy show hosted by Damon Waynes Jr. It'll be a weird one. I'll also probably be getting up around the Comedy Store as well as other nights at the Improv but I can only hope. Lance works for the Myspace Comedy, putting the featured people and getting to tour with the Secret Stand-Up shows. Neil took my photos in the desert on my Myspace and to the left of this, and Mat was one of the performers I met out in Cali, last time I went out there. So, they all live together and now I'll be joining their fun little group. It's a sitcom waiting to happen

My Heroes!!!!!

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...
Jack Kerouac On The Road

Insomnia!!!!!

My name is Billy and i'm an Insomniac.

I can never fall asleep when I want too. But, I can't do anything about but quote others, because for some reason I can't put my own thoughts into my own words.

"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep."
Dale Carnegie

"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."
Fran Libowitz

My Acceptance Speech!!!!

If I ever won an Oscar, this would be my acceptance speech:

"Ladies and gentleman, Alfred Hitchcock never won an Oscar but he did receive an Honorary Award and gave the shortest acceptance speech in Academy History. Tonight, i'm here to break that. (Stop in middle of sentence) ah damn."

There Will Be Blood!!!!

Because they didn't win Best Pic or Best Director, but too be honest, No Country For Old Men is better than it so, no there won't be any blood unless I fall. But, Daniel Day-Lewis was the obvious winner that time.

So, hello now. School is tomorrow and I did very little work and I should have done a little work. It's sad, I know. To think of it now, if I don't finish my work, There Will Be Blood after my teacher beats me.

Good night and good luck. (Nominated last year)

Tears and Moaning On the Campaign Trail!! (New Newspaper Article)

2008! A time for change, in fact, it’s one of my New Year’s Resolutions: Change! Who knows, by the time this article comes out, that change would probably have happened and this article would be pointless and irrelevant. Anyway, this election is the craziest election since a Kangaroo ran against Teddy Roosevelt and won the Hampshire Primary, (New Hampshire didn’t exist yet) before he shot it and mantled it in the Oval Office (He got there somehow).

What makes this race so insane: We have a religious zealot running, a former torture victim, a man who won’t admit he won’t win, a woman, and a black man. (Question: If there ever is a black president, will they rename the White House?) Is it spicy enough for you yet?

If it’s not, then here’s a jalapeno pepper where the sun don’t shine! Ladies and Gentleman, (I mean Boys and Girls!), in this very article that you are reading, I am announcing that I am running for top table. And no, not the top table of the cafeteria, the top table in the White House (Renamed the Play House) Boys and girls, (See I remembered) your friend, (And future president), Billy Conahan is running for President of the United States!

Think about it, if I was elected president, the IQ level in the Play House would go up 50 points (Sorry Mr. Bush, it was just a joke. NO, NO, PUT THE NEEDLE AWAY! NOOOOO!!!) Now some people would question: What are your policies? What do you know? Look I’ll admit that I don’t have much experience (That’s not true ladies!), but come on, I’m in the Improv group, I can wing it for the next 4 years. (Shout out to my Improv peeps. Now Vote For Me!) You all know that I won’t make a bad decision, by the time I’m out of office, I’ll still have a full two years before I can legally have a drink.

“In your 1^st year, would you meet the leaders of Iran, Iraq, and North Korea?” Yes I would. How are we supposed to end this world properly if we don’t communicate? Haha, I’m kidding. Seriously, NO! Those guys are crazy! “What about the war,” you ask? I did a photo shoot out in the desert, it’s not that bad.

To be honest, right now I’m not concerned with the politics side of campaigning I’m interested with my image. I got the looks, but I need something, something that would also look good next to me… AHA! A First Lady! (Open call. Any ethnicity. Between the heights of 4ft-5ft 10in) Now I can’t promise 100% commitment (America comes 1^st), but I do promise you power. (Maybe some fancy dinners and clothes.)

Now before you continue asking me questions (I’m looking at you Political Voice in my head), yes I have already decided on a running mate. So it will be… Rambo for Vice President!! Kid/Rambo 08’! Because he never drops anything. He's still fighting the Vietnamese for some reason. I thought thats what Rambo 2 is.

He’s looking for change as much as I am. He wants people to support the war. He’s tall, I’m short. We are the perfect odd couple. (Like Iraq and Government)

Now I need a slogan. Every candidate has a slogan and they always use the word change. I don’t want to use the word change, but a synonym for it. “Pass Puberty with Billy!” No, no, no, that’s too weird. I got it! “Grow Up With Billy!” I won’t use my full name because that’s creepy.

Brief reminder to teachers, I have the Secret Service on my side, so don’t do anything that would hurt my chances of getting into Harvard. (My favorite number is 100!)

Wait a minute… I was just handed something from the Head of the CIA. Apparently, you have to 35 years old to run for President. (Hey, the CIA got something right.) I also realized that my key demographic can’t even vote yet. Why didn’t the editor tell me before? Hmmm… see if I were President that wouldn’t be.

All The World's Stage...

All the world's a stage,

 And all the men and women merely players:
 They have their exits and their entrances;
 And one man in his time plays many parts,
 His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
 Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
 And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
 And shining morning face, creeping like snail
 Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
 Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
 Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
 Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
 Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
 Seeking the bubble reputation
 Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
 In fair round belly with good capon lined,
 With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
 Full of wise saws and modern instances;
 And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
 Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
 With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
 His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
 For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
 Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
 And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
 That ends this strange eventful history,
 Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
 Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

My Future!!!

I'm being told my future right now on the phone.

I'm going to be married at 28.

Divorce her when I tell her I wanna to adopt.

Live on the street and be devastated.

I'll meet up with the person i'm talking with and marry her best friend.

Live out the rest of my days with her.

So let this be a key of the future or just another astrological event passed over by chance.

I'm Back!!!!!!

I got back from Upstate NY Monday and it was fun. The person I went with was my best friend.

Do you have a best friend, that you've known for years but you hate them?
That's my best friend. The momma's boy and asshole. Thinks he's the best at everything, likes to fight, doesn't mind starting fights, and when you tell him to stop, he continues double time.
I think it's because there one of the few people to understand you and you can't do anything to stop it.

Anyway, we rode ATV's, shot guns, watched war movies, sat by the fire, and I played guitar while he laughed at my made up lyrics. So, as much as I hate him, we'll always be friends.

Valentine's Day Massacre!!!!!!

I was just trying to be dramatic!

Anyway, my day was filled with candy, kisses, and candy kisses. True story, my friend's girlfriend is allergic to chocolate so he couldn't eat any, or when they kissed, she would die. No eating in bed for them, because what are they going to do without the chocolate syrup?

I sent in my next comedy article to my high school's newspaper. It's entitled "Tears and Crying On The Campaign Trail!" Yes, it's a Hunter S. Thompson reference. No he doesn't count to the Dylan reference count even though he played Mr. Tambourine Man at his funeral.
(See what I did there)

See you next blog!

Valentine's Day Horoscope!!!!!

Aries:
Your key planet Mars is in playful Gemini on Valentine's Day, which is better for having fun with a group of people than spending quiet time with one special individual.

Regular Horoscope for the 14th:
The brilliant Sun energizes your key planet Mars today, placing you at the top of your game. Your confidence is high and you don't waste energy thinking about what you will do. You just initiate action spontaneously. Remember, however, you may be more effective if you make a concrete plan in advance.

My 1st Time....(2/9 &10/08)

This is was written in my little joke notebook while I was on my way home and on the train.

42st Station
"I'm currently talking to you, not from a physical state, but from a mental state. A state of self-confidence, a state of being. This is the state of bliss, droopiness, giddiness. A state of not caring about tomorrow or my future. This is the state which I want to live in all the time, but without the illegal substance.
I'm currently talking to you from a place of happiness, hopefulness, highness."

(I couldn't move my hand)

My Sign!!!!!!

Aries are brave, bold, fearless, exciting, energetic, active, warlike, dynamic, fast, quick, competitive, impulsive, adventurous, but also aggressive, violent, unpredictable, rude, short-tempered, angry, daring, primitive, reckless, rash and self-centered.

So, if you have never met me, I guess thats me.

Old Summer Journal!!!! (Pt. 1)

Over the summer, I was devoted to writing about it in case I ever forgot something, I'll have proof. Nothing I wrote was a lie, so I thought it would be funny to post some of them.
So, in the case of this entry: I'm at Camp Unalayee. I'm on hiking tribe hikes. I signed up for the Mini-Wild Hike. The consulars are Nico and Merlin. The situation is that they put us in the wilderness, about 100 yards from our base camp, alone. No other campers around because they are doing the same thing. They're called solos, and a full 24 hours leaves you a lot of time to think and write. This is part 1 of 4! All of the following is written in my journal. ACTION!!


Day 11 of Camp Hour 1 of Solo
Time: 7 or 8pm Trinity Alps: Lick Creek

"Now you must be wondering why i'm writing in blue. I lost my pen, then I borrowed Merlin's. Another question that might be asked is, why does it say Solo. I signed up for Mini-Wild Hike. 4 days of craziness and hiking and spending 24 hours by yourself in the woods, alone. It's more like 20 hours because we started late, but still, it's crazy! No one around except paper and pen and trail snacks. It's getting dark quick and I have a cold, which really sucks. I want to read my other entries in this book so I don't get bored. I'm trying to make a really shitty looking shelter. It's pretty pathetic. We're almost done with camp, but i'm still 2 weeks from home and 3 from opening for Bryan Callen. (Fell through) Tonight there is supposed to be a Meteor Shower which will be crazy. Merlin said to write a letter to yourself and he'll send it sometime in the future. Maybe weeks, days, months, years, decades. Anyway, i'll be doing that, eating sleeping, and I already biffed, (Means go to the bathroom) nice. Peace Out Crazy Soloer

People Reading This!!!!!

Half of the people can read this part of it, all of the time.
Some of the people can read it all, part of the time.
But all the people can't read it all, all of the time.
Bob Dylan said that.

Ah Hoy Hoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When telephone's where first made, they didn't have ringers and never hung up, so, people would have to yell into the phone to get the person they were calling to pick up. Afterwards, they invented a ringer and dial tone, and "hello" took over. And thank god it did. Because, otherwise, everything would be ruined. Songs:
"Ah Hoy, Ah Hoy! I'm at a place called Vertigo!" Nope!
"Ah Hoy There Delilah!" Again, no!
Movies:
"You had at me Ah Hoy Hoy!"
"Say Ah Hoy Hoy to my little friend!"

Thanks 20th Century!

Dylan

If you haven't noticed, I make tons if not write constantly, Bob Dylan. He has a song for almost every situation so, he's always somewhere in these blogs. So, keep a count those 2 people who read these. B/c its you, who philosophize disgrace and criticize all fears, that can be the judge of how many I actually make.

The Day Old Fashioned Died!!! (1st School Article)

The Day Old Fashioned Died
My dad always says "I remember when phones used to be phones and nothing more." I can totally understand where he's coming from because technology is expanding so fast. Every time he says that, I think. I think what am I going to say when I get to his age?

"I remember back when phones used to be music players, stock tickers, weather maps, GPS, voice recorders, internet providers, calendars, calculators, videos games, task manager, address book, email, note taker, currency converter, email, text messenger, movie player, clocks, camera, timers, stopwatch, alarm clocks, touch screens, a TV, and a phone, and nothing more."
The next thing you know, the iHome will come out you will be able to do all these things while you’re cooking or cleaning, or running on a treadmill, maybe even while watching your HDTV, if your that lazy. If you can’t afford to buy a iHome, you can buy the cheaper version, the iHomeless.

The reason I mention HDTV's, and not just a shameless plug to buy one, is because my friend owns one and holds it over me like a television in his hands over my head.. "Oh holy HDTV, holy screen of brainless TV, I love you so!” he says. He always invites me over to watch Fear Factor. If I wanted to watch someone lose their dignity, I can do that on any television. I don't need a high resolution picture of a tear running down someone’s cheek to realize they made another bad life decision and thinking about how much more did they embarrassed their parents. (Though the show is kind of funny, that’s beside the point)

Television is rotting and brainwashing our brains, especially ours. The fact that we now have to pay $40 a month on cable then pay $3000 for a HDTV, while we can save hundreds on car insurance by switching to GEICO, I didn’t mean that, that’s what I mean by car washing. No, wait… okay, my TVs off. Anyway, why do we pay $3000…, so we can watch a dancing sponge or a talking dog, or to watch a 16 year old complain about how daddy got the wrong color for her brand new Mercedes. And, we don’t even get to vote if her Dad lives. (I personally voted for the crocodiles, but again, that’s beside the point.)

Not only does it rot and brainwash us, TV also lies. I really thought that if I broke open a Magic 8 Ball, I would be granted wishes by a high pitched women and an idiot. (They are the Oddparents, Fairly Oddparents. Wands and wings, sorry, turned my TV back on, but now it’s off for real. So catchy.) Sadly, that didn’t happen, so now I have a carpet stained blue and a triangle die lying under my couch that says “Sorry, not this time.” (But, if not this time, when’s it going to be?) How do I know, I looked but was too lazy to throw it away.

All of these glamorous objects of pretty lights, distract us from the real things that are important, like the election, or world politics, and other things that I copied and pasted from the World and National sections of this paper. (I paid the editor a little) Now, I don’t have a TV or an iPhone. (Not by choice) I fell they would also distract me from my school work and I would not get it done on time. (I wouldn’t either way) You people are very lucky I even got through this article.

Wouldn’t you rather read a book or this newspaper than watch the cheap racist comedy of Carlos Mencia or watch the weekly stupidity of George Bush and gang of hoodlums in the “Never Ending Presidency”. If you don’t want either of these, you can go outside and play. Run around the block, beat up little kids. (I don’t count, I’m growing.) Move those McDonald’s filled legs and not by walking from your couch to the kitchen to heat up yesterday’s McDonald’s.

This is the future and soon we will be able to teleport and time travel and live in an iHome where you cook and clean while the house takes a picture of you and posts it on Myspace. So, take it in my friends, for the future is coming faster than a flying car over a world of raised sea levels and 130 degree summers.