Tears and Moaning On the Campaign Trail!! (New Newspaper Article)

2008! A time for change, in fact, it’s one of my New Year’s Resolutions: Change! Who knows, by the time this article comes out, that change would probably have happened and this article would be pointless and irrelevant. Anyway, this election is the craziest election since a Kangaroo ran against Teddy Roosevelt and won the Hampshire Primary, (New Hampshire didn’t exist yet) before he shot it and mantled it in the Oval Office (He got there somehow).

What makes this race so insane: We have a religious zealot running, a former torture victim, a man who won’t admit he won’t win, a woman, and a black man. (Question: If there ever is a black president, will they rename the White House?) Is it spicy enough for you yet?

If it’s not, then here’s a jalapeno pepper where the sun don’t shine! Ladies and Gentleman, (I mean Boys and Girls!), in this very article that you are reading, I am announcing that I am running for top table. And no, not the top table of the cafeteria, the top table in the White House (Renamed the Play House) Boys and girls, (See I remembered) your friend, (And future president), Billy Conahan is running for President of the United States!

Think about it, if I was elected president, the IQ level in the Play House would go up 50 points (Sorry Mr. Bush, it was just a joke. NO, NO, PUT THE NEEDLE AWAY! NOOOOO!!!) Now some people would question: What are your policies? What do you know? Look I’ll admit that I don’t have much experience (That’s not true ladies!), but come on, I’m in the Improv group, I can wing it for the next 4 years. (Shout out to my Improv peeps. Now Vote For Me!) You all know that I won’t make a bad decision, by the time I’m out of office, I’ll still have a full two years before I can legally have a drink.

“In your 1^st year, would you meet the leaders of Iran, Iraq, and North Korea?” Yes I would. How are we supposed to end this world properly if we don’t communicate? Haha, I’m kidding. Seriously, NO! Those guys are crazy! “What about the war,” you ask? I did a photo shoot out in the desert, it’s not that bad.

To be honest, right now I’m not concerned with the politics side of campaigning I’m interested with my image. I got the looks, but I need something, something that would also look good next to me… AHA! A First Lady! (Open call. Any ethnicity. Between the heights of 4ft-5ft 10in) Now I can’t promise 100% commitment (America comes 1^st), but I do promise you power. (Maybe some fancy dinners and clothes.)

Now before you continue asking me questions (I’m looking at you Political Voice in my head), yes I have already decided on a running mate. So it will be… Rambo for Vice President!! Kid/Rambo 08’! Because he never drops anything. He's still fighting the Vietnamese for some reason. I thought thats what Rambo 2 is.

He’s looking for change as much as I am. He wants people to support the war. He’s tall, I’m short. We are the perfect odd couple. (Like Iraq and Government)

Now I need a slogan. Every candidate has a slogan and they always use the word change. I don’t want to use the word change, but a synonym for it. “Pass Puberty with Billy!” No, no, no, that’s too weird. I got it! “Grow Up With Billy!” I won’t use my full name because that’s creepy.

Brief reminder to teachers, I have the Secret Service on my side, so don’t do anything that would hurt my chances of getting into Harvard. (My favorite number is 100!)

Wait a minute… I was just handed something from the Head of the CIA. Apparently, you have to 35 years old to run for President. (Hey, the CIA got something right.) I also realized that my key demographic can’t even vote yet. Why didn’t the editor tell me before? Hmmm… see if I were President that wouldn’t be.